Your TV Journalist Name: The Formulae

All due respect to Jon Stewart, Ben Karlin, David Javerbaum, Rich Blomquist, Steve Bodow, Tim Carvell, Eric Drysdale, J. R. Havlan, Scott Jacobson, Tom Johnson, Rob Kutner, Chris Regan, Jason Reich, Jason Ross, Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, Rob Corddry, Brendan Hay, Ed Helms, Thomas Jefferson, and The Daily Show... but I thought I'd borrow and share the following fun stuff from the book America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide To Democracy Inaction. For those political/journalistic types among you, this'll be especially interesting... because it's a guide to choosing your TV journalist name.

Now that you've mastered expressions and outfits, it's time to turn your focus to the most important credential you'll need in TV journalism: A name. The one you currently have simply won't do. Trust us, the phrase "For all of us here at Channel 7, I'm Fred Zizniak," will ne'er be uttered on a television newscast.

Use one of the formulas below to create for yourself a new TV-approved name.

• Anchorman
  Recommended formula: One-syllable type of construction material + breed of horse
  Examples: Brick Shetland, Chip Clydesdale, Stone Winchester, Wood Lippizaner


• Sportscaster/Weatherman
  Recommended formula: One-syllable kitchen-related verb + nonsensical multi-syllable compound
  Examples: Flip Greencat, Dash Sledboat, Slice Carhat, Squirt Mudbottom


• Women
  Recommended formula: Regular first name with pretentious misspelling + alliterative surname that sounds like a first name
  Examples: Daran Davids, Mikhaela Michaels, Larra Leslees, Jennn Jonnnson

Minorities

• Hispanic
  Recommended formula: Name of saint + Spanish curse word
  Examples: Ignacio Cabrón, Maria Pendejon, Francisco Tu Madre Es Una Puta Fea


• Asian
  Recommended formula: Name of child from The Waltons + sound you make when struck in solar plexus
  Examples: Mary Ellen Huk, Ben Puh, John Boy Oh

So what's your TV journalist name?

I think mine'll be Slate Gelderlander.